I don’t want to miss a single life experience — even death

I’m the type of person who loves to learn and experience new and different things whenever I can. My Parents have always shown me how exposure and experiences can enrich your life, and often times the more awkward or uncomfortable it is, the more you get out of it.

For example, recently I had a few days where I was going through some depression; the cause of which is another story which I’m sure I’ll write about someday. Being depressed felt odd since I’ve never really experienced depression before and have always been good at regulating my emotional state. This is how my mind processed the experience:

“Hmmm, this is a new feeling. Kind of different.”
“I think it’s depression…yup, I’m entirely sure it’s depression.”
“It’s an odd new feeling.”
“I have decided I don’t like it much.”
“Okay, I know how to deal with this, I will now decide to be happy!”
“Hmmm, I’m still feeling depressed, that didn’t work very well.”

Simply deciding to be happy didn’t help as much as it usually does, but instead, I eventually went for a hike where I meditated and later enlisted the support of friends. I let the feelings wash over me and they were gone in a couple of days.

Being depressed made me feel completely tired, sad and the need to be around people but somehow despised the thought of being around people. The contradiction alone was enough to keep my mind busy for awhile to sort it out.

After the fact, I find it funny that I was so intrigued by this new feeling and experience.

The Death Experience

A couple years ago the thought of death became my greatest fascination — and fear. It was brought on by some very bizarre dreams I had, where in them, I died. At first it was disturbing, and then it became something of a mental obsession.

I am a spiritual person and was raised Catholic (although, not currently practicing), so I posed this question to myself: “What if there is no after life? What happens? What’s it like?” That became a riddle for me to unwind; similar to asking about the meaning of life. The vision of nothingness appeared to me like an empty black void. “What is is like to not exist?”

That’s a hard question to answer because, well, existing is practically all I do.

The other part of the question was, “What is it like to die instantly?” The thought of being alive one moment and not the next without being aware of it, scared me. But why? It’s not like it’ll matter much after I’m dead. I wont know that I’m dead, so why should it matter that I know I’m about to go?

Sometimes I pose this question to friends and they usually say they would rather not know and just die instantly or in their sleep. This still bothers me.

I finally realized why — I want to know what it’s like to die. I want to be able to embrace that final life experience before I head off into the great unknown. (as ironic as that is) Somehow I feel that if I miss it, then I have missed one of life’s greatest, and last, experiences. Some of you reading this probably think that’s pretty sick. I’m okay with that.


For those of you who are afraid this is the prologue to a suicide letter, fear not. There are still too many experience I have not had to end this ride short. I expect to live my life long and full until I die at a very old age.

Maybe I’ll be that old guy who interrupts your conversation at the coffee shop to bore you with off color Irish jokes (“What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?”) or tails of grand things I [never] did. Yes I’m sure I’ll be that guy. Oh the stories I will tell.


  1. Hey,Jeremy…What are the chances that a former Adobe-ite (now a Well-being Coach) would search the web for info on tinyrurl errors in the Chrome & Flock browsers and come across your site, only to click on the blog and read this particular post…on the very *day* it was posted? Pretty slim! I think the Big U sent me here to read and comment on your post, so here it is…

    I’m not a doctor, but from what I understand true depression is usually “unhappy for no reason”, meaning that no one situation causes the deflated mood. If you are feeling unhappy because of a situation or circumstance, then it’s not really depression…it’s contrast showing up in your life to give you an opportunity to work through it to find *the blessing* in the experience. I know, because I’ve been there.

    I can guarantee that people who regularly watch the news (i.e., gov’t screwups, global economy, wars, floods, famines, etc.) are feeling down—they’d be crazy if they didn’t feel down watching that stuff! If you are a newsaholic, now’s the time to turn it off…step away, take a break.

    The mere fact that you had the instinct to get out in nature (hike) and took time to meditate, tells me that you are more evolved than the average Joe (not THAT Joe, the other ones..). Getting outdoors and moving gets the energy in the body flowing, and meditating helps us flush out the thoughts that don’t work for us. All will help you move forward. BRAVO for following your instinct to help yourself!!

    As for your interest in death, I personally think it’s healthy to allow your mind to consider possibilities that do not bring up fear/worry…and it brings you closer to releasing the universal fear of death. You are actually looking forward to it…when the time comes, that is. That’s cool! I lost my fear of death about 9 years ago, and it’s really helped me in my conscious growth.

    I invite you to make a list of how the negative experience that triggered your sadness is actually a blessing. (BEAR with me here…) Sounds crazy, I know, but as you find good things about a difficult situation, that very situation will shift into a not-so-bad one. Try it (I’m not kidding). Email me if you have questions, or find me on Twitter @affirmingspirit.

    Have a great week ahead!

    PS I don’t normally a give advice on blogs…but you can choose not to make this response public, too.

  2. Hi, Jeremy,
    I’m so happy I found your blog.

    Great post and a great way of looking at life (and death). For me just existing is what it’s all about, being present and enjoying the here and now.

    The what comes after being dead doesn’t frighten me. Whatever happens happens, and whatever there is after death is beyond my control and comprehension, so not worth worrying about. But the pain of dying…that does frighten me. 🙂

    Ah, well. As you said there’s a lot of life to be living.